10:30 a.m. - 2005-07-15
starting to like Zack when it's nearly the end
been to Zack's yesterday. Spent 2 minutes of silance at noon in the tube-touchy like hell. Anyway this week I feel like boo-hoo a lot. Went out in the morning and left him there and he wasn't hppy about it/me. again. i am afrraid. don't want to find myself attached. i tell myslef it is just hormons, but i really wished i could see him today again.i think he's bored with me by now. he was telling me waht's wrong with my body. well.. not that im surprised, but hell.. so depresive he doesnt want me. i wanted him very much but went home. well not home i left london about..5-6 hours later. went to hyde park, then here and there, got back to his neighourhood. i start to know it quite well..bewtter than Zack- he didn't know they've got a separate train station there and I know hwere it is! I've found out where it was at 11 pm. got off a train in the middle of hwere-the-hell-i-am. lost in london. wasn't scared at all. was sure i'll find my way and if not then..it's warm and dry and i can keep on walking for a long time before i need a rest. i was to get to his place the usual way,but..the gurd on a train who was to sell the ticket to me started to play with his little mashine while trying to hook me up-or wasn't sure what he's up to. but fancied me in deed..so he said I can go to that station if i change at clapham, right? i said ..um..not sure..if..um..well.. and kept telling me it's fine. printed out teh times of tirains etc-full bloody service so I siad- okay. he kept ytalkinf to me and gently trying to..wasn't sure waht..and then went awy seeing im not into going for him nor telling him to leave me alone and shut up. he have said- just taell me to shut up and go away, but i wouldn't be rude, he was very nice and didn't mind im foregin etc.
( im oversensitive about it since a woman at startedt to talk about foreign ppl in uk and in the end of her monolog we are were to blame for july the 7th-all bloody suicide bombers us non-brits..and on the next they telly says they were British..not that it changes anything really..not much..)
anyway.. zack rang me and i told him whre im heading to, he didn't know where it was. after 40 minutes of walk we've found eachother, but.. well I've asked police patrol about the way since couldn't work out the info map by the train station. you are here-> right..but where is any tube station???!!! Policnam told me 'go right' thanxo.. i didn't look much confident about knowing where to go, some boy wanted to help me,but I said I was alright- was afraid. there were only the man on the streets. it's muslim neighbourhood and they're quite nice and friendly people but still I thoguht I better stick to the road signs and Zack on the phone. He wasn't cross with me that was nice. and he was so good, I love when men save me. i think we'll close to the final though.
I feel sad about it, but am too much of affriad to fix it. it's mostly my fault it's so dull relationship. he wants to go out not just go to bed, but I say no. I'll miss him. loads. and will cry. pity he's not the real fucker..would be so much easier to dump him, but no. I just hope we'll meet agian and have really good sex. i owe it to him and to myself. I'm so silly. lying beside him-asleep, wanting him but do nothing. getting dressed and leaving. but.. just..am affriad of rejection. silly. he must like me a little, want me a little. or want to have sex. well..am affriad and it's probasbly the end.
